The past few days have been a huge struggle for me.
4 months ago I was told my office lease was not being renewed and I made the decision that I was dropping massage from my list of services (after 7 years) and only going to be doing deep soul healing work. Living in a small town where rents are high and openings are few and far between, there were no office prospects in sight. But that didn't deter me. I set out determined to make it work any way I could. And it did work. For a while. A couple of friends allowed me to use their space as a temporary option until I could get something permanent, knowing that December 30th those options would go away.
I had a sudden rush of clientele, and I was charging more for my services that I ever have. Everything was great. I had 8 clients signed up for my 6 week program and my days were busy doing the work I was put here to do.
I happened to be in our little downtown district one day and came across an office for lease sign. Normally I wouldn't have even considered looking because my town has a tourist driven economy and retail spaces are excessively high in rent. But something pulled me to look at it. And it was perfect. Everything I had been asking for, and a shockingly low asking price for the area. So I took it and moved in the next week.
Somewhere along the way, doubt moved in with me. Most of my clients finished their 6 week series and were doing so well they didn't need to re-sign for another round. Great for them, bad for my bank account. No new referrals were coming in, and I'm terrible at pitching so I wasn't making the connections I needed to be making in order to reach a broader base of clientele.
I sat with myself and asked "What am I doing wrong?" At this point, the ego had gotten so loud I couldn't hear the truth. All I heard was "How are you going to pay your rent?" "You're not good enough." "This was a mistake." All fear based mind chatter that wouldn't stop. I was even getting 3 a.m. panic attack wake up calls.
Today I said enough. I went outside to clear my head and kept hearing the song "The Climb." I played it and let the lyrics run through me. It quieted the ego and brought me to tears. And then this passage came to me from The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz: "What you are is a force. You are that force that moves the wind and breathes through your body. The whole universe is a living being that is moved by that force, and that is what you are. You are Life."
Here was the truth. How could I possibly be so ridiculous to think myself so insignificant?
We all have a role to play, and none of them are insignificant. The struggles we face today will be the great stories we tell tomorrow.