Breaking the Rules of Divorce


I never was much for following the rules. Instead, I'm the one challenging them. Or making new ones when the old way of thinking does't make sense to me. So why would it be any different with my divorce?

"I'm getting a divorce."

Why do we give those four little words so much power? Upon hearing them, our immediate reaction is typically one of angst and heartfelt sorrow for the bearer of the news. Returning their announcement with a frown and an 'I'm so sorry.' Sorry for what? My husband and I aren't sorry. We made the right decision for not only us, but for our family. Right decisions are usually celebrated, but not when they include the word divorce. So this is where my rebel heart took over and has decided to shift the culture around divorce, to look at it from the highest perspective and give nothing but love and best wishes to my soon-to-be ex-husband.

Religion, family values, and societal judgement all demonize divorce, creating toxic relationships by forcing two people who simply aren't right for one another to stay for all the wrong reasons. What about the right reasons? Life is about enjoying every day, loving who you are, where you are, and who you're with. It's not about being so miserable that you turn to other vices in order to fill the empty holes left by an incompatible marriage. How empowering would it be if we gave ourselves the freedom to say, 'hey, it's ok that this relationship no longer fulfills my needs. We came together for a reason, but that reason is no longer valid and its time to go our separate ways.' ?

"You didn't try hard enough." "What about the kids?" and "Are you seeing someone else?" were all things we heard upon announcing our decision, but none of them rang true. The truth is, our paths separated years ago and we were both too far gone to bring them back together. So in a moment of clarity, we broke all the ugly rules of divorce and had a heart to heart. There were only kind words and understanding, and a mutual agreement of what needed to happen next. We had done the arguing, the yelling, the walking out and taking a drive to cool down. But at the end of it all, we were both tired of fighting and just wanted to be happy again. Even if that meant us being happily apart.

Then we broke the rules again when we sat our children down and told them that we would always be family, and would continue to do things together as a family. And why wouldn't we? Family should not be determined by bloodlines. Its that connection you have with someone when you only want whats best for them and to see them happy. So for Thanksgiving, I went to my in-laws home as usual and spent the day with the people who had become my family over the past 15 years. Friends asked "Isn't that weird?" Not for me. My kids were happy we were all together, my ex-husband was happy he was with the kids, and I was happy that not everything had to change just because we couldn't stay married.

We realize this dynamic will require an adjustment when one, or both, of us become involved in another relationship. We've had that conversation and re-wrote another rule: anyone else who comes in to our lives must be ok with our decision to remain family. This new rule of divorce is non-negotiable for our children's sake. We are forging the way to keep love circulating all around us, regardless of circumstance. If someone isn't open enough to adopt this way of thinking do we really want them in our life anyway? But if they can accept the situation for what it is, they will be welcomed with open arms into our unique dynamic.

Conscious Uncoupling is defined by Katherine Woodward Thomas as a process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace. I had never even heard the term until after my husband and I decided to make our own rules about our divorce. But as it turns out, there's a whole movement dedicated to it. This, folks, is exactly what I'm talking about. It's such an evolved way of thinking, and its catching on. More and more people are choosing to raise their vibration and live in the fullest capacity of love. Not only for themselves but for those around them. And allowing themselves to be happy through the process of divorce because they know its for their higher good.

What it all comes down to is love. Just because we fall out of love with a partner doesn't me we can't still find things to love about them. When we see things from a higher perspective we can continue to embrace them as our friend and not feel awkward about it. We can teach our children how to be a better person through these examples, and cheer on the collective evolution of our planet's transformation into a new world.

#divorce #consciousuncoupling #family

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